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Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in keep_on_shining's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
8:00 am
hey
hey guys. This will be a quick one because school is about to start, but pretty much I just have no extra time at all. Swimming is my life. Period. I have stae on Friday and saturday and things should slow down after that buit for now I am just super super buzy with swimming. Friends are great, except for my best friend who is just acting so weird it is unbelievable...more on this later. But everyone please pray for our state swimming team. That would be amasing! I love you all <3 muah! And i promise to update after state. Ill have tons of free time. Kiss&& Hugs from your friend
bree

Current Mood: rushed
Sunday, January 22nd, 2006
2:37 pm
I MADE STATE!
So I made state swimming 2006! I was so so so excited!!! OMGOLLY GEEES!!! hehe I was floting on clouds yesterday but today iw as rele down. it was weird. i just started to have a terrible day and then i called once of my friends, lucy, and she just mad eme feel better, she always does...and now i know why i couldn never stop loving her, even though all the time she does things to hurt me, its just so crazzyyy b/c no matter how many things she does to hurt me, ill always love her, its juts one of those crazy friendships that was just meant to be.

Kinda like life,i mean i have been thru my share of tough times, but at the end of the day i would do them all over again just to have a few days of pure happiness....

Hmmm...toughtful mooodd...wierd post i know. lol bye my loves. i will update soon. the next two weks with be crazy until state tho, but i pormise i will.
Friday, January 20th, 2006
8:00 pm
Hey
hey loves soory I havent written. been sort f down but no time to post. must get ti bed. regionals in the moring. im seated 9th and top eight make state, wish me luck. love you all and thanks for the prayers-bryna
P.S. I PRMISE to update this w/e
bree
Sunday, January 15th, 2006
6:00 pm
Just not in a good place right now...
i dont know...

friday and saturday i was floating on clouds because i made regionals in swimming and i made my varsity cutt and lettered but today, sunday, everything seems sad...

I just dont want to take it right now, and i dont really trust myself or my actiobs and so i think i will go to bed...

life is tough right now, and im just kinda down....
Thursday, January 12th, 2006
6:57 pm
Hey!
So i have a BUG swim meet tomarrow, and i really have to prove myself in order to go to regionals and maybe even state!!! please be prying and send me luck! Well tonight i should be eating and then to bed! I love you all o so so much! thank yo all for everything! I love you!! <3 bryna
Friday, January 6th, 2006
11:44 pm
Ephesians 1:5
Dear Lord,
Help me to remeber, no matter how hard life may be, or how broken the road I walk on, that I am forever yours in Christ Jesus. For you destined me to be your daughter, the princess of the Most High. Even before the world began you chose ME. Give me strength to remeber this when struggles come. It is only your grace that brings me here tday. I love you Lord. Thank you for this blessing.
Sincerly ,
Your daughter in Christ,
Bryna Joy
AMEN
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
7:41 pm
*sigh*
Today was not such a great day. School started and i swear it felt like my whole world was crashing in around me...i just wanted to run back to my bed which ive been living for 2 weeks. im sick&&weary&& tierd....O so tierd. Im barly hanging on. So my friend Whitney was supposed to do dinner tomarrow..she kinda my encorager that helped me through a lot a couple years ago...she in college now n i havent seen her in ages....so we were going to do dinner, but she had to cancel to go to the spurs game. im pretty dissapointed, but what can i say....she said shell try for thursday...i just hope she doent cancel again. She was my only motivation for getting out of bed this morning, o well. I guess i will just smile n pretend im amazing...i mean thats what i always do anyways....*sigh*....im sick of this...all of it.....bad night last night. little sleep. hard sim practice. caoch killed me. i am so sore I cant type. ahhhh.....i just feel like giving up........

Current Mood: exhausted
Monday, January 2nd, 2006
2:35 pm
somebody hear me
I just want someone to pray. i am so lost. im depressed and confused and trying to find myself and i just dont know what to do. i need advise and my friend-the obnly one i can talk to about tis- keeps saying my faith will be enough to get me through. the only thing is i dont go to church. i quit reading the bible, and i am just so lost. i love god with all that i am but i just dont know anymore....im just noth sure of anything. people lie so much ive forgotten what truth is...and im just not sure what happy is anymore. i just want jesus to heal me and help me figure this out. thats all i want. a friend to pray. a church to attend. people to ovw. and to be able to get my faith and god. can someone pray for me. please please please. i need your prayers...

Current Mood: im not really sure anymore
Sunday, January 1st, 2006
7:43 pm
always are you loved
May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone. May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them. Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.

Teach love to those who hate, and let that love embrace you as you go out into the world. May the teachings of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them. Remember, those whose lives you have touched and whose have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished. It is the content of the encounter that is more important than the form.

May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart. Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you. Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future. May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility. Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience. May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another's judgment of your accomplishments. May you always feel loved.

I dont know who wrote this but i love it...
7:38 pm
To Paige
A Friend's Pain

we met when we were six
and we've grown together
we said we would be friends
always and forever
but when we became freshmen
things started to change
you had made many new friends
our friendship would never be the same
i knew we were growing further apart
it seemed as though you didn't care
but i didn't want to lose your friendship
and you knew i would always be there
so as the skool year ends
and we say our final good-bye's
we bump into each other
and you just stare meeh straight in the eyes
no words left your mouth
and none seemed to be leaving mine
i try to say something
and you just walk away

by Hillary S
a beautiful teenage poet
thank you for this


I Thought

I was your best friend
Then you treated me bad
You saw I was hurting
You saw I was sad
Things seem so different
Like you dont care
I'm hurting so bad
And your not even there
I'm sorry I'm not popular
And I dont get the guys
I'm beggining to wonder
Was our friendship full of lies
I was there when you needed
A friend I would be
That was the time
When you needed me
Now is my time
More than ever before
I'm at the point
Of not living anymore
We were best friends
Apart we were not
Friends forever
Or so I thought
by another amasing teen poet
thank you for your words
7:35 pm
Song
My world may be crumbling in around me
But i will not give up
I refuse
I WILL stay strong
and make the best of what i have
all you can do is grow and move on-having hope for the future.

Song By casting crowns:
Lord hear my prayer
I need the perfect words
Words that he will hear
and know they're straight from you
I dont know what to say
I only know it hurts
To see my only friend slowly fade away
But maybe this time
Ill speak the words of life
with your fire in my eyes
but that old familiar fear is tearing at my words
what am i so afraid of
cause hear i go again
talking bout the rain
and a million other things-
that wont live past today
and as i ditch around the truth
time is not his friend and this might be my last chance to tell him that u love him
so hear i go again...
7:33 pm
Thank you
I made it through this year because of you. I dont think you understnad all that you taught me, i dont think you could ever fathom how much i love ypu, i dont think i could ever tell you how much you have done for me and i dont think i could ever say how much you mean to me, i doubt u have any idea, you kept me alive, you comforted me when no one else would, you let me cry-really cry for the first time. i could simply never repay you. i lay down at night sometimes thinking about you. i pray constantly for you. youve been through your own battles, youve fought and won, youve shown me love that i had never known before, you brough me back to god, you just did so many things fr me, and i wish i could tell you, flat out, but somehow i know you would be weirded out, or maybe you would just not think much of it and hurt me, i dont know and so i post it for the whole world to see, you may never even read this but just so u know, without you i wouldnt function normaly, wothout you i have no idea where i would be today, you changed my life in so many ways, i never want you to leave me, i fear it so bad, but even more i fear you not feeling this way back, you mean the world to me and I just want you to know that.
That you’ve made me life a little brighter
Made me smile a little more
Made my life not so heavy
Let me cry when I needed it
Given me advice
&& I don’t know how u did it all. You’ve been through so much this year. I mean I wish you would have shared it all with me but from the parts ive been privileged to know you had it rough, and still you had time for me. You are amasing. My angel on earth. You kept me breathing, and if you leave life tomarrow or go away I just want you to know this. I want you to know I would have never made it qithout you. I hope in my heart I will mean this much to someone. Youre a real friend. Totally amasing. Sure you have moments, we all do, sure ive been hurt when I don’t hear from you, but I just couldn’t let it go by one more day. Ii just had to say I love you. That’s it. No strings attached. just think about me please. And don’t give up on me. I know you may not havemuch time these coming years for friends, you have big freams and big plans, but never forget that when you were the most dow ive ever seeen you, when you were struggling so much it made me hurt, remember that you helped someone. Despite how much you were hurting. I see jesus in you. You just make me want to be a better person. I love you and always will. Always and forver. I will and never could forget you.you mean the world to me, you really really do.

Current Mood: crappy
7:32 pm
needing encoragemnt?
16Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are--face to face! 17They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We're free of it! 18All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.
whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away.. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom Holy Freedom.And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect[a] the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
2 corintians 3:16-18
" God made, Adam ate, Noah built, Abraham split, Joseph ruled, Jacob fooled, Bush talked, Moses balked, Pharaoh plagued, People walked, sea divided, tablets guided, land entered, Saul freaked, David peeked, phrophets warned, Jesus born, God walked, love talked, anger crucified, hope died, Jesus rose, Spirit flamed, Word spread, God remained."
7:22 pm
Have you...
Have you ever know someone that mad eyou want to be a better person
have you ever known someone that just makes u smile even when youre really down
have you ever had someone that would spend an hour on the ohone with you letting you cry and not sayign a word
have you ever had someone to give u advisee evrtime u needed it...if sehe knew the answers
have you ever loved somone so much-as friends-that you would not even have to ponder taking a bullet for them u would just do it
have you ever known someone so well that you could just tell after a hey on the hone what mood they where in
have you ever know someone that was such an inspiration
such an incoragement
have u ever had someone love yo when u felt so unlovable
have you ever had someone mean the world to you and you not even know how much they like you
have u ever had someone mean this much to you and you didnt know if it was all an act....
have u ever known someone who did all of these things and not even know how they felt back

yea this is how im feeling right about now
maybe its just me
maybe im imagining things
maybe i dont trust people very easily
maybe i dont have very high self esteem
but i love you
you mean the world to me
and i just wish
i knew what i was to you
this hurts worse then knowing you hate me
well i love you
and that will just have to be enough for now
youre amasing
you really really are
you are my best friend
seriously
and thats it

Current Mood: pensive
Saturday, December 31st, 2005
12:44 pm
new years
NEW YEARS Bryna New biginningss
In ready for 2005 to be ovverr
So SO Ready haha
2006 here i come baby!!

Current Mood: discontent
12:42 pm
You&&ME
I dont understand you.
I dont understnad the way you dress and they way you talk
you are such a badass outside but inside your like the sweetest person i know
you go off on your tangesnts and piss me off
your really nice nad encorage me sometimes
i dont understnad you
your my BEST friend but i dont get it
your the opposite of me
yet you are the same person
it just doesnt make any since
It just confuses me
who ae you
you make me so mad
but i love you so much
your such a handful
such a bitch
but at the end of the day
your the only person i want to talk to
it doesnt matter if 100 ther ppl called me
it just matter that you called
i dont care what other people think
but when it comes to you
i care so much
you make me sick
it makes no since
you get me to well
better then i get myself
how can this bee
its crazy
ive only known you for 4 months
but it seems like eternity
i cant imaine life without you
ot would be alot easier at times
but a hell of a lot less exciting
you keep me on my toes
youve just dont the impossible
you kept me alive when there was no hope
and comforted me whent he rain stopped
when i was a bitch you told it like it is no fluff
you were real
yet we fight
were to much alike
it just makes no since
you and me
we dont go together
we dont mix
yet i cant live without you
its just do confising
your my best friend
why you
i wouldnt have choosen you
out of all those friends
never would it have been you
your the least perfect
your the loudest
your the most rebellious
your the opposite of what i was looking for
youre the farthest from perfect
how can it be that i love you this much
it makes no since
how can it be
i just dont get it
we fight and yet I lve you
youre alter egoed and like youreslf way to much
you cry to easily
and you care what others think to much
but your not afraid to admit it
i guess you my complete opposit
yet were so much alike
i dont get it
i just makes no since
but i guess i dont have to
it works
and thats it

Current Mood: blah
Thursday, December 29th, 2005
4:27 pm
Lost
Im lost and confused and hurt. needing some encoragement. any one have any?? you see my best friend is like becoming my worst enemy&& I care to much what people think. I just dont kno who i am anymore...please help. Anyone help. please.

Current Mood: confused
Friday, December 23rd, 2005
5:22 pm
The best friend&& The Biggest Fight
So i have this best friend. her name is Kara. I met her at camp and when we really hitt it off it was great. I love her to dealth. She is like my sister that i never had. She continues to amaze me each day, btu for some strange reason we have been fighting lately. Shes like real depressed and so am I and so we dont exactly get along. I cant really explain it. I just wantto quit talking to her, but she is my BEST FRIEND. I just makes not since. You see she is only the best thing to happen to me since sliced bread.Does that make any since at all. She is my world. My everything. She is always there but for some reason she keeps making her problems worse then mine. I dont know its like its a competition. Its like its a "wose problembs are worse". it sucks and I miss her. She just is constantly down and I need someone who is upbeat and alive. I dont need someone depressing me. I need someone to life me up, but at the same time i bet thats exactly what she needs. So should i give up the whose problems are worse game and Be her uplifting spirit. Should i help her get through this and figure mine out some other way. Well i think i already know the answer. yes. She needs me. I might have to sacrifice talking to her about me problems but i just need her to be happy again. She needs to be happy agin. I miss seeing ehr smile and laugh and i miss her on her "good days" they are getting less and less. She has sacrificed enough for me. Its time for me to give a little. Ive been the crappy friends. it wasnt her....it was ME.

Current Mood: drained
2:35 pm
My very First Entry.
Hey everyone. So this is my first entry. I really didnt get this for the same reason as most people. I didnt get it to share with my friends. I didnt get it to get a bunch of requests. I didnt get this to tell everyone "hey I have a liveJournal". I got this in order to write down my thoughts. Im not very good at keeping up with a real journal but with how much time I spend on Myspace and AIM these days i might as well write all my feelings out every once in a while. Im gonna shoot for every day when I dont have school and when I do I will shoot for once a week. So yea. I have no idea if anyone will ever read this. And thats just fine with me. But if you are...enjoy. I hope you get a kick out of my crud humor, depressing or optimistic moods. Im not the best writer and I cant speel to save my life but I just love to write. I need to get all my feeling out anyways. So My name Is Bryna pronounced brenna. Some people call me Bree. I was born and raised in san Antonio Texas, and i absolutly adore it here. I currently live near Boerne. Having moved in 4th grade. I love to swim. I began that in 4th grade as well. I swim year round for one of those club teams. Ive always wanted to be like Amanda beard or Michal Phelps, although just this year i stopped swimming. Im not real sure why. I just stopped. I told everone it was because I was sick...although I could have kept swimming if I wanted to. I really not a very good person. Everyone thinks I am nice and sweet and most people like me. But I am afraid to say i lie to much. I also can be a total bitch. I cuss to much. This is a dirty habbit I stated this year. Im really not a good peron. Everyone thinks I am but really Im not. I could probly blame it on my life. Which well seems bad to most people but If you put it in perpective to the whole world. My life is like hevan for some people. I live in a huge house, but really im embarrassed of it. I dont have any good clothes though. No designers. No abercrombie or AF or hollister. I pay for my own clothes. Which usually come from Target and Walmart. I dream of getting clother from Delias and Victoria secret, but i could never afford it. Im treated fine from my parents, i used to get along with them just great. Now, however, It seems i dont at all. I have 6 brothers. One is real the rest are half. The real one is greatly loved but my family and friends. hes cute and nice. he was sort of overshadowed by me his whole life because i was am awsome swimmer and amazing student bu hes the one that everyone loves. I may be smarter and more athletic but hes the better person. I love him dearly. but he has no idea about that. Well I was sick when i was younger. I had so disorder but i dont know the name of it. It was something with my kidneys and bladder. I had surgery when i was lie 3 and then had infections until 4th grade when i just grew out of it i guess. I concider it a miricle. MY dad is an alchoholic although he has been sober now for 6 years. He was kicked out of my house in 2nd grade and i spent maybe 6 mnthes without him. This was a terrible time in my life when i rarely saw him. I remember how he bought me walkie talkies and they where real expansive and he said they would go 20 miles. He lives about 10 away, but they didnt work...it broke my heart. It broke his too. he sobered up and came home in 3rd grade. And then all i can remember was 4, 5, and 6th grades bein the best of my life. They were amazing and I had so much fun. I was so inocent and I loved it. then in like 7th grade my dad started having brain problems. he told his job he couldnt work anymore and started to feel sorry for himslef. he got long term disability-which just means we get payed a little each month from his old company b/c my dad isnt "fitt" to work. The doctors didnt finad anything wrong with him and I just though he was a wimp and still do(but im trying not to). I was mad b/c he sat at home n slept all day. It was just like he was drunk all the time again. He just slept n dove me places. He occasionaly worked in the yard. I was so hostile at him. He took the easy way out. He gave up b/c it was hard n he didnt want to work and more. He told peple he was disabled. I hated him. I was depressed. I was anorexic. I lost a monstrous amount of weight but no one noticed. No one at all. I went to summer camp that summer. Camp Travis also know as T bar M. One of my councelors basicaly saved my life. he helped me tons and I had an amazing experience. I started to pray n read the bible. Eigth grade was up n down but for the most part really good. I started to accept my dad and mom n brother for who they were. I was happy with my God and didnt really need friends. I was good. prayed a lot. i read my bible every day for a year. I was flying pretty high. Then came the summer right before high school. I had a great biginning. I loved everyone especially one of my friends Paige. I was super excited becasue she was going to school with my next year. Sh wa my best friend that summer. Or thats what i called her. what she called me. then i lef to go to camp capers. she left for volleyball tryouts.hmmmmm. i completly changed. so did she. we grew apart. we havent really talked since. At camp capers i didnt want to go. i had a miserable first 5 days. I read my Harry potter book fro start to end. I liked people but i just wanted to be home. Then came a church gathering. I started to cry. ball even. It was bad. I was crying harder then i ever had. Memories where floating in my head lie they never had before. I didnt know what to do. people started to notice. My councelor Lucy grabbed me n hugged me. They announced we were having a dance. I told her dont make me go. She said i didnt have to. I cryed for 5 more minutes n then she pulled me to a bench and asked me what was wrong. I told her everything and how i felt i told her i was just sad and i think this was b/c i was about to start high school in about 3 weeks and i was scared. Anyways i told her stuff n she cried with me. We cried together until I told her to go to the dance b/c i know she loved to dance. She said ok. I walked over n sat down. These two amazing grls whomi had hung out with all week came over n made me laugh. i loved them. cassie and kathryn. we danced a little. then i went to bed. the nest day i hung out with lucy a lot-she was that councelor. she had hng out with hilly, cecilia,kara, and organ all week. they where a group of grls who were kind of councelor crazy. they had hung out w/ councelors all week. thats all they did. they where funny and outgoing. i liked them nstantly. hilly was in my caboin. so i just kind of ditched cassie and kathryn to hang out with them. i know thats bad but i did. it was the last day of camp. there was a bonfire and i took picture w/ these grls i hardly knew and hung out with them. Cassy n Kathryn n I really never did talk agin. Right after the bonfire we figured out that our councelor Blakely had had someone she knew die from her chrch. Sh was distraught and kendra...another ne of our councelors...went w/ her to the main office to calm her down. We had the arts n crafts director-who was amazing and used to babysitt me-JOy come to out cabin for nightime devotions. It was amazing. We did this thing that made everone bawl their eyes out. I started cryng again n lucy n I went outside and talked till early the next morning. I loved her n now i didnt want to go home. The next day the last words I said to her were "Bye I love you...Its time for me to go n be strong now". She cryed the rest of the day. I found out she bawled all that day. It made me feel special and loved for the first time a long time. She meant the world to me and I knew it. I went home n started to talk to these grls i never talked to. especially one girl kara. We hitt it off great!! She lived realy clse n we gt along amazingly. She started to talk to lucy too. I got jealous. I satrted high school. I got depressed again. Big time. Lucy was going through it to so she was no help. Kara was bitchy and rude but at the same time sweet and encoraging. I was confused and depressed. I am confused and depressed. this is where i stand today. Alone lost and confused. wanting to move on but holdin back b/c depression is almost comforting. my heart is in a million little pieces and I have no idea how God plans on putting it back together. I know he will im just not close to him anymore. I used to pray every day and read my bible too. but now i dont and i feel so far away from him. I miss him. I miss feeling whole. i am so broken. I am so confused but right now I am inspired. Lucy licked it. Karas getting worse and Im just....me. Im alive. Im hanging on. Im waiting for my Miricle. Im waiting for my prince. Im waiting for.....for God to come and save me and everything to be perfect.....but i know this will never happen so Im just gonna ask to be whole again. Thats all i want for christmas. I just want to be whole agin. I just want to be a good peron and know who I am again. i jts want to be who i know I am. I just wnat to love and be loved. Im just trying to fine myself. Im just trying to be me. So God if your out there. Make me whoel again. Put those shattered pices of my heart back together and teach me how to love. How to lov...with that love that is patient and kind. Help me to be an example. help me get through this thing so i can help my k. She needs me lord. and i need her, but i need to almost quit talking to her to get whole again. Im lost. help me. Guide me. make me whole. Please god Im asking you. Just put my heart back together.

Current Mood: Broken
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